The Chaos theory

Its sad to think people still force their kids to follow a certain line of career. Because of the way my parents treat me, I have taken for granted that the world outside is the same. They have never questioned my aims. They may express disfavor of arts based lines, but , they have always promoted and supported my interests. As far as I can remember , I have always yearned to work in a field of science. My earliest memory is of coming home from school, in prep I think, and drink lemonade while watching boogie woogie and discovery channel. I could never catch kids discovery on time, it was aired from 4-5 (evenings used to start at 4 back then) . I would be sleeping by 4 , so I’d watch wild discovery , extreme bodies, i shouldnt be alive and this one series on real life incidence based horror stories. A lot of them were like a refined version of paranormal activity. Those scientists were like gods to me. I paid undivided attention to whatever they would say regarding the documentary. I was in such awe. I always wished I would have that kind of knowledge some day. So other than those regular wishes of pokemon coming to life, or expecting a spirit in my beyblade overnight,even a hunt date with a t rex seemed like a brilliant idea, this was my main dream. The one thing I wanted so bad.
It was practically wishing to be a nerd. I tried ,but only in the sense that I tried studying. It seems so frivolous now, but back then, I loved mugging up science facts. I wasn’t particularly fond of maths, and I hated civic science and language. Ripley was another one of my favourite. Axn was all ripleys and Xena back then. I loved those shows too but nothing beat discovery. Nat geo was boring and animal planet was usually not available .
But then something tragic happened. Around ninth standard, I fell into anime. Thankfully , from the time my interest increased in the stream, they used to have good shows. So I still miss watching the lot of them. But as a mid teen, it got worse. I became a social outcast and dedicated all my spare time to anime. I had friends , some very good people, but I guess it was that time when you feel lost and can’t control your actions. Something again happened before eleventh and I decided to go against my standard aspiration to become a wildlife expert. And so, it was adios biology and welcome maths. Science was the only thing that kept my percentage above average . And now I was going to have loads of it.
I was never really good at studies you see. Above average…..or actually, slightly above that too, but yes never the nerd I intended to be. But they treated me so. Although it was mostly comparative. I didn’t talk much about my life and people assumed I didn’t have one.
Enter college and you find people , good in studies and expert at their hobbies at the same time. So I kind of feel glad to be out of school because of that. I still feel alone at times, but if you think about it, no one is ever really satisfied with their lives. I loathed my life in school and now I just feel grateful that I experienced all that. And now I am also super disinterested in programming languages, so , as of July, I plan on avoiding a software based career…………oh god who am I kidding…
Thankfully I had the best of everything, my family with me , and loads of good people to spend time with.
Three years back , I asked a young lady doing post graduation in chemical engineering, about what branches are suitable for maths and physics students. She said ‘instrumentation and control’. I never thought about it till I started college. And my conclusion given to recent events….life can be so spooky at times….
I still dislike things at the moment but I know it’ll be just a memory in a few days. If am irked by something , I just ignore it. It all ends some day . Life is infact a journey .
And right now I don’t think I’d care if it all ends because, it will eventually. I can’t say it wouldn’t matter to me if I die right now or anything, but yes , I don’t feel scared anymore. I just simply don’t care . Not in an apathetic or a pitiless way. I feel i am a part of something bigger. Things seem to fall in place on their own .
Life is like a painting. Everything does in fact form part of a bigger picture. Just like a digital painting (voice of experience) , we see things in magnified view.
It is when it looks the most chaotic and messed up , that things start taking shape.
I feel happy and content that its making sense now……


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